Saying Goodbye

As I stand here today, I can’t reconcile the fact that my  Mom
has died against the woman I knew. She was a force to be
reckoned with, a force of Nature, and the quintessential
matriarch. I hurtled myself at her thousands of times yet
she stayed strong, unwavering. A mother. I didn’t realize
how much I would miss her until now when its too late.
The woman I saw on Monday evening was not the woman
I knew in this life. Her spirit was gone and we all knew
how much a woman she was.

She gave me many things in this life – helped me when I
needed, definitely more than she should have. She encour-
aged me to be a strong woman . . something that was an
inside job for me but not often an outside one. There was
no way I could fill her shoes – One sister is the mirror
of her and fit to walk in her shoes. My other sisters and I
were either more like my father or fierce individuals.
I was her antithesis.  

But even in this I defined myself by her measure.

 My sisters and  aunt and I stood around her hospital
bed and solemnly swore we wouldn’t followed the
same health choices she did. We agreed we would be
closer to each other. Some of that has come true,
some not.

 After she died, I moved to California to be close to my
children. I just didn’t realize they would not feel the same
about me.

My medical issues soon made a burden to my son.  My daughter
was out of the country.  Finally, I realized I had to go back to Con-
necticut  to be where family could help me out when needed and
where I was wanted.

In the course of looking for a new apartment, I had the opportunity
to stay in my  mom’s bedroom for two months. I saw her life and
the things  that comprised it. My anger slowly dissipated, as I
could feel hers do and we made peace.

Our relationship had always been a tough one. A reason
I moved to California was to put as much distance between
us as possible or I didn’t think I would survive.  She was a
remarkable, powerful woman and I had just been too
angry to  see all the remarkable things about her.

I miss her, I have grown and I think she would  be proud
of me now.

2 thoughts on “Saying Goodbye”

  1. Debbie, this is Brilliant! I remember your Mom as a tough hard working women who had a business to run and at the same time had to manage her family to make sure everyone did their part. She was pretty amazing in a acomplishing that but I could see it wearing her out. A nightcap or two was very common in the day after an exhausting routine of managing all the chores of the business. She had remarkable social skills and I always enjoyed her company. RIP June. I know she is looking down and is very proud of her Children. PS, I love reading the blog. Love you Always, Dave Parsons.

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  2. Debby – OMG words escape me. I am in awe! Your poems are beautiful – you should be in print. You should send the one on Palm Sunday to Guidepost and to Florence for the newsletter at Easter – it is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Issy

    Like

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