My enemy . . . Myself

 

Gears grinding ever slower
Gummed up by old oil
Smoke coming out of ears
As thought winds down.

I’m not a good friend to myself
Once was –
But the shifting trajectories
Confused my mind

Staring at the computer again
And again
No semblance of brainpower
No manifest of concise thoughts

I’m losing myself
That part I valued most
Wisps lifting and flying away
Moths banging against outside lights 

When did poison leech
Synapses, nerve conduits
Knots grown in density
Fog rolling in

Sorry.
For the drugs
And illnesses born
For the wasting away
Of what was God’s for taking 

Sorry for me being me
For the hours upon hours spent looking
Misunderstanding the simplest connections
Snow on the screen of my mind

All verbiage is gone.
I am no longer the girl
brightest at work, in college,
Computer not a handy tool

Father died from complications
Born from dementia
Is this my genetic influence?
Of which I have no control?

I stare at the computer
Mind numb, an enemy of myself
Lost – beating my head against walls
Alone – no longer hearing myself think.

 

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