My moods have been a shifting morass of muddied feelings based on circumstances beyond my control of late. People outside my body have been making profound influences on me. Or on my deductions and inferences.
Every part of my life seems under attack. Work, family, money, it never seems to end. Its affected my disease as well. I’m beginning to think I have bipolar I, not II. Food consumes me. I buy as much as I have money for. Living below the poverty line but spending $200+ one week and $150 the next for 1 person. My fridge, freezer and pantry cannot hold more. And its not like I can eat it all, so all that food is wasted. I am globally conscious of the ramifications of too much versus too little food. I just am not aware of the expense and overload while the impulsiveness lasts.
There are so many expenses I have and have coming up. A friend has suggested I get a caseworker. It makes me feel like I am backsliding. Some of the people in my apartment building have caseworkers, I did too a long while back. God, I HATE this Disease! I feel so alone with this but if nothing else, this blogging has shown me I am not alone. I belong to a Bipolar clubhouse. They are great people but some are so sick its scary.
My trouble is I’m too smart for my own good. But is it arrogance or fear that keeps me separate? And how do I resolve myself to this being a life thing? Day by day? Sometimes truisms just don’t cut it. Sometimes you just need to know how to successfully negotiate today. Good idea – just wish I could remember it when I need to.