Velveteen Rabbit feelings

Sometimes your soul cries out
into the wilderness
dust swirls surrounding you
tumbleweeds brushing legs
yet hear nothing
not even the sound of the wind
only the mistakes,
the ruination of your life
the sometimes slow,
often blindingly fast
trickle of events.

Your throat stretches aching
tearful, encased within
flesh, blood, sinews
not able to erupt –
mourning,
with blankness of spirit
and a mind not able
to find answers to release and renew.

Even so, more than anything,
you want release,
to be a real person
fully functional
with gifts you can offer
and people who accept you
for who you are
and what you’re all about.

Like the Velveteen Rabbit,
you become worn, to day,
and the soul searches relief
not believing you got that way
by being loved, cherished
but by being encumbered.
Day turns to night, night to day,
and the soul searches relief
again and again.

Slowly, by ever slowly,
you begin to understand,
to connect synapses long shredded,
remember long held verses,
and look to the Master
the one who was stroking
your fur all that time
you felt so alone
He being the one
who made you shabby and worn,
yet filled with the knowledge of life,
that you were always protected,
guarded, given necessary lessons,
and loved, oh so very loved.

We Are Not Our Disease

I was recently in California, visiting a dear friend. She was crushed because she realized the Depression she had lived with for years was, instead, Bipolar I. A lot of her feelings were based on the fact hat her husband of 11 years has severe Depression/Bipolar.   She was the one who always took care of everything. The previous several months had been very hard on her. She spent a lot of time in her bed; her therapist quit; she had her husband were building a house from the studs up. Her Mother of Conflict and her heavily drinking brother were making her life crazy and her Mother subsequently died.  Major factors were making her life miserable. However, I’m not the Doctor and while I think she’s right – she bought a 27 acre, beautiful property against the warnings of her husband – she needs a trained professional to verify she , indeed, has the condition.

However, all of this got me thinking.  I had been in a down mood prior to going to California, but was rejuvenated there.  My moods shift more often than before.  Sometimes I can’t tell what mood I am experiencing. I thought I was only Depressed for years but while looking back over journals 35 years old, I noticed I was definitely Bipolar then.  Next, I started thinking of being Bipolar in general.  There are all sorts of nuances, facets, depths and ambiguity in Bipolar people. It looks different in each person and from day to day. There are things you can do to limit intensity like staying on meds and eating right.

We struggle some days, bounce off the walls some days, and feel great and balanced on yet other days (which might really be you are on a manic high).  But largely, we are like a lot of people on the streets and in the stores.  Most people in this world have issues of one kind or another. We don’t have to minimize ourselves just because of our disease. We are not our disease! We are human beings with scars and wounds, just like so many others,  I, for one, will try like hell not to wear my disease as a cloak around me, because I want to be as healthy as possible.  And I know most of us feel the same way.