Muttered Musings

Another day
God, help me make it through
have no one hit me today
let there be a cease fire between
relatives, families, friends,
countries . . .
I can’t keep living with
this hole in my heart.

Let this day be about blessings
make the whole world stop
and pray an hour, a day, for
refugees, Aleppo, child brides ,
untouchables.
the battered and beaten,
defeated and aching
sick -mentally, physically,
emotionally, especially spiritually.

In the busyness of the day
let all peoples remember
this is not just about them
there is something greater –
feel awe, revel in gloriousness,

Not gonna happen anyway
World’s too crazy for Peace
Too many BAD people –
in homes, communities,
We deserve better
Tired of waking with chest pains
second guessing God
being scared . . .
why are so many people
so Stupid!!
My prayers go unanswered,
God looking down and shaking her head

 

 

 

The world is crying

There is so much pain in this world.  It seems to be screeching out at us.  Not sorrow, although that is there, but abject misery.  We may think our little lives are painful but when I think of the refugees, the millions of people in refugee (internment) camps, those who have nothing to eat, no shelter, lacking clean water, caught in the crossfire of crazed beings fighting over bombed out towns which lack every necessity now, children raped, stolen, trained into soldiers, deliberating drugged to make them more obedient, who are we to say our pain is great?

It is real, and exceedingly hard to climb out of, but my pain is increased by the pain of this world.  It’s crying out, in the air we breathe, in each time I put food in my mouth or walk into my comfortable, safe apartment.  I may be disabled, living on Social Security, and facing real challenges, but can you imagine being disabled – mentally, emotionally, physically, And being a refugee?  Can you imagine being on a boat with so many people it is impossible to move, not knowing when, or even if, a country will take us or if we will capsize the boat and drown?  That is fear.  That is feeling voiceless, unwanted, without shelter or food, not knowing how to care for your children in a situation like this, totally alone in the midst of many.

I hear and feel the ground beneath me aching in sorrow.  I feel the air I breathe trembling in agony.  There is only so much pain this Earth can withstand and in these times, it feels like it can’t possibly take anymore.  For we can’t forget, this world is an organism in its own right.  Can you imagine how It feels being bombed, desecrated, stripped of its beauty, groaning under the strain of having to hold the burdens of the multitudes? Sometimes I feel I should sit down on the ground and stroke it, soothe It’s burden even a little.

And mostly, I don’t know what to do.  Where I can place my small sums of money that will make a meaningful difference and not swallowed in “administrative fees”. Can I make a difference and where? If I could jump on a plane and fly to those crying in the wilderness, what could I bring but a hug, an ear to listen (if I understand the language).  But even that is not a reality. I need to look for people and places nearby. Stretch out a hand where it can actually be grabbed.  Help. And I need direction about where to do the most good, any good, rather than retreat into my tiny world of cat, books and home.  How is an activist born?

Caught in anger.

I don’t know about you, but when I am caught listening to someone yelling, even not when its at me, my chest tightens, my fear escalates, and I try to find someone to help make it go away.  Maybe that makes me a weenie, but so be it.

Mindfulness in the Holidays

The holidays are here . . . there is hope, my friends, hope to enjoy the memories being created, hope to share in joy and thanksgiving, hope to walk away with a smile instead of trying to shake off negative thoughts and feelings. For many of us, the holidays bring stress, anxiety, perhaps anger.  But, in times like those, it is good to remember . . .

The tingling of a stream running through a forest                 A cozy fire to warm up our increasingly older bones                 A blanket which feels cozy and secure                 The passion in the eyes of a lover, even if it was many years ago                 How the Grinch stole Christmas and Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer Those are just a few things to reflect on when life seems interminable, frustrating, depressing.  There are people who can offer comfort. Or, wait for it . . . you can give comfort to others and to yourself.  There is positivity to offer renewal – of our associations with others and our relationship with ourselves.  This is especially true for those of us with thought disturbances and/or mental and emotional ones.  When you are sitting at a table with more than 5 people, just remember you aren’t the only one – 1 in 5 people have some sort of mental/addiction/biochemical challenge – you are likely not as alone as you may think.

When you yearn to change your thoughts, move a muscle:

Volunteer or share the meal at a Shelter or Food Kitchen Exercise – max out those endorphins Watch some of the old charmers – Bells of Saint Mary, Christmas Carol, Christmas in CT . . . Call someone who understands and remember crisis centers if need be Calmly but clearly express your feelings, share those feelings where it matters Go to the Religious organization of your choosing and practice the traditions you grew up with

Don’t be afraid to leave the holiday gathering – go in another room to compose yourself, go for a walk, smile (just using those muscles changes your mood, even just a little). Feel the love you have for your friends and family, even when they disappoint you, you’re not the only person who can benefit from a hug.

Most of all, remember the meaning of the holidays . . . religious/spiritual, loving, sharing, giving of oneself to others.  Remember . . . whatever your circumstances, you are Blessed.

Lesson in Humility

The day is blustery, warm for Autumn, and the winds are kicking it.  I head out with my trusty broom and start sweeping the leaves on the deck and driveway of a client’s home. And I’m thinking, “Look at me. I’m raking leaves.  This is going to look so good.  I’m 60 and sweeping leaves!  (I’m an apartment dweller, I don’t do leaves) I might also add I’m in a lot of pain so the bluster is on both ends.  I’m getting close to finishing and a huge wind comes along and swooshes the leaves right back where they were to begin with.  I stop, look into the sky and say, “Really?  Just had to knock me down a few pegs.” So I took that trusty broom, went inside, and put it away.”

Aging with Children

Your words plunder my heart
for what I am telling you is real
but you don’t hear my reality.
How can I make up for a thousand
errors in judgement, slips of the tongue,
tears of depression . . .

You, still young, don’t understand
the ramifications of age
creaking of bones, emotional balance,
various and assorted illnesses
and traumas……

How I tried hard to be what you needed,
failed miserably and now rue the costs.

I am aging. Likely I have many years ahead.
But I want to share them with my family there,
the ones I gave birth to.

The difficulty is, should I be there
the increasing impediments aging brings
would mean you would be asked
to provide increased help when
what most excites you is the life
you live now . . . and who can blame you?

Which brings me to more pain.
If I moved back, I might only be
the person of misery there before –
neither of us want that. I’m stronger
physically and mentally, but,
I am aging. And you fail to realize
the implications.

and I don’t want to lose
those precious moments.