This is it! Off to California tomorrow. I’m going to be a Grandma. I’m wiggling inside and out of expectation. The bags are packed, my cat is provided for, and the fridge is empty of perishables.
Here’s the thing . . . I’m all jazzed about seeing my daughter and getting to know my son-in-law, and of course, being there for the birth (even though I have to wait at home until the baby is born). But Dani and Kendall are going to be non-pulsed about it all. Yes, their excited but they are in their own place, they have seen her belly grow and heard the heartbeats and seen the sonograms.
I haven’t seen them in two years. It is such a long time and a lot of longing in the in-between time. All that time I think about them. But I remember what it was like to be a new mother and what it was like to be living far from my parents. There wasn’t the same emotional investment that my parents may have had. I was a twenty-something with a good life and a lot of living to do. Part of the reason I moved 3,000 miles was to get away from my parents. I need to contain some of this enthusiasm.
My son parented me about boundaries and appropriate behavior at Dani’s. Yori said Dani was an independent, disciplined, intelligent woman who knew her own mind. I needed to remember I was there on vacation and not try to do everything for them. They wouldn’t appreciate it at all. I have to remember to relax, take care of my healing foot, and just be present. He is right, of course, not that I necessarily know how to relax and let the world revolve around me.
But until then, I’m jiggling. Wish me luck and hope that I behave appropriately. Be back in 2 1/2 weeks.
The baby isn’t even born yet and I’m learning the disappointing truth that it isn’t about me and my expectations. It’s all about the parents and baby. Don’t get me wrong. That’s the way it’s supposed to be . . . but still.
I had fantasies of being in my daughter’s room until she went into delivery when I would leave to allow them their precious moment. Hah! Then I thought I would wait in the waiting area until after she gave birth. Another disappointment . . . I have to wait at their home. Then the kicker, my ex-husband will pick me up and take me to the hospital. I get to share the unveiling with him! I get it. It’s only right. But I hadn’t given him a single thought. He is the baby’s grandfather after all. Grandmother – grandfather – equal in the eyes of the parents. Grandpa even tried to name the baby.
So I’ll stay home and make gluten-free meals for those crazy nights when baby is making his presence known. Clean the place. Show my worth somehow. I sound terribly selfish and immature, I know. These are just my petty ramblings. It’s amazing how immature I can still be. After all, I’m becoming a grandmother for the first time. This is a life-changing event for my daughter and her husband (and the baby). I’m thrilled for them.
Most of the pettiness comes from the fact that my time will necessarily be so short with them. I only have two weeks and then I’m 3,000 miles away. I want to cram as many memories in as I can. I can be content seeing the man I once loved dearly holding baby the way he once held our own. In fact, it will bring back surreal, precious memories transposed over the present moments.
Only a couple of weeks (we hope) to go. I’m rationally excited.