What are little acts of kindness anyway? Sometimes I wonder if I do acts of kindness more as a ticket to heaven, and then not get into heaven because those acts were contrived. I wonder about that a lot. Getting into heaven is something I worry about anyway. How pure in spirit do my positive actions and interactions have to be accepted as real when I’m standing at judgment day? Does it count more on why I did it or on how the act is perceived? And should I worry about it at all since there is no proof that heaven exists or that God stands in judgment of us?
I must admit, I wonder when I smile at strangers or offer assistance in some small way if I am doing so out of genuineness or guile. If I were truly transparent; if I were a hologram reflection where all my feelings and thoughts were laid bare, would my actions smack of being self-serving? Remember that ticket to heaven?
I do act without forethought. I don’t actively seek to perform positive encounters by waking each day to the thought of how many good things I have to do to be considered good and kind. Besides, if I think that, am I good? Doesn’t evil don a mask of positivity when it suits the purpose?
I do try to approach life with positive intent. I like making people feel a ray of light when I can do something for them, even if only a smile. There is little enough light in this world and it seems to be getting darker all the time. With all the tragedy which darkens our world, I think we thirst for kindness and love. When I smile at someone he or she usually smiles back. When I thank a person or say God Bless You when he or she sneezes, I believe that a person feels a blessing. I know I do.
I hate the idea of each act of kindness being a merit badge I show Saint Peter at the pearly gates. And I don’t do acts of kindness thinking first of what I will eventually get out of it. But afterward, it sometimes occurs to me why I did it, what my aim was. It is a maddening process of overthinking and perhaps an acknowledgment of my humanness in the face of my actions.
And in saying this, can those who read it ever think of me as kind and considerate again? Will they refuse the ray of light I cast? I hope not. We need a reservoir of kindness and love in our lives. Each drought from the well brings wellbeing, simplistic but true. I want to be a being of light. I want to perform random acts of kindness both with those I know and those I don’t. I just can’t help but wonder how they will be perceived if I get to heaven if there is one.