One of the most frustrating times in life is when you are in a holding pattern. Being stymied by circumstances is no fun.
I am in such a place now. Sixty two, facing the repercussions of the steady encroachment of elder years, I know my life will be changing in new and different ways over the next few years.
There is a sense of dissatisfaction with all aspects of my life. My body is struggling to keep up with the demands of my job. CNA work with the elderly is a stretch on physical and emotional resources. I can no longer lift and manipulate as before.
My career path needs changing. I lack the financial resources to go back to school for an MFA. Writing is my fall back plan but we all know it is not the easiest way to make a living.
Perhaps copywriting. But that means selling yourself and I would have to develop more self esteem than I have at present. The internal messages I have been giving myself are brutal.
I know I will be moving to California in 3 years. I need work I can take with me. This needs to be well thought out.
My spiritual life is in upheaval. No matter how hard I try, I can’t reconcile religious work with spirituality. My church is old and seems to be on the slow road to death. We make efforts to encourage new growth but nothing changes. We can’t seem to attract the new people to change the dynamics. Our new pastor doesn’t seem up to the job and we are too old and too few to make meaningful change. We have a rich history but can’t seem to move toward the future.
Even my relationships seem fraught with upheaval and tension.
All this is to say I apologize for not writing more but right now my attentions are internally focused and are having trouble looking outward. Bear with me please. Change is good. I just need to move through it.