Coming to Believe

I wasn’t expecting this. It came on unabashed, in wonderment, the spoils of a struggle long fought. I’ve been in the trenches for so long. Dealt with chronic illnesses, traumatic brain injury, Depression… Poverty, addiction.

But I went to visit my children and grandchild and was granted a precious, infinitely tender time with all of them. Now, for perhaps the first time, they see me as someone they are proud of.

It is hard won. In so many ways I failed them, squandered time with my own concerns. Not on purpose, there has never been a time when I deliberately betrayed their needs. I just couldn’t get out of my head and body to just be.

My son and daughter commented on my quietness. I must have filled past moments with nervous chatter but there was no need now. I am wholly inside myself, comfortable with who I am.

But more than anything else I feel gratitude. I have been blessed with remarkable people in my life and my children are chief among them. How they emerged so whole and intact I don’t know. They certainly didn’t have good models to learn from. We went through our wars and they didn’t let them warp their lives.

This change has been coming for years but rose in assurity with my finally believing Jesus Christ is my savior and the Son of God. It changed me in fundamental ways I have only begun to understand.

I know this may seem giddy to some but I’m happy and that is sustaining me. There are roots in my life that go beyond superficial trappings. And I know life comes in waves but I now have a life raft to save me. God has a plan and I am in it.

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