An enemy to myself . . . from myself

I’m not a good friend to myself
Once was –
But the shifting trajectories
Confused my mind

Gears grinding ever slower
gummed up by old oil
Smoke coming out as usual
As thought winds down

Staring at the computer again
And again
No semblance of brainpower
No manifest of concise thoughts

I’m losing myself
That part I valued most
Wisps lifting and flying away
Butterflies in the night

When did poison leech
Synapses, nerve conduits
Knots grown in density
Fog rolling in

Sorry.
For the drugs
And illnesses born
For the wasting away

Of what was God’s for taking
Sorry for me being me
For the hours upon hours spent looking
Misunderstanding the simplest connections

Snow on the screen of my mind
All verbiage is gone.
I am no longer the girl
brightest at work, in college,
Computer not a handy tool

Father died from complications
Born from dementia
Is this my genetic influence?
Of which I have no control?

I stare at the computer,
Mind numb, an enemy of myself
Lost – beating my head against walls
Alone – no longer hearing myself think.