Category Archives: Inside Me

Who am I?

Who I am
is not of my making
yet not one facet
would I change

I have been pruned,
molded, cast by specific
hands in certain ways –
chipped and whittled
rough edges curling,
splintering off to lie
in abandoned heaps
on the floor.

Now I await
the varnishing, staining
with special dyes,
buffing and polishing.
I am almost whole
but the hands of
a master craftsman
has yet to enter
the production room
for finishing touches.

Who are you?

Who are you –
the child I have
never known?
I hear your laughter
sparkling and fanciful tones
rich and vibrant
or your anger
tempetuous, lightening
flashes of a summer storm.

I gaze with rapt amazement
at your studied countenance
taking every detail
into account as you
memorize each facet
of your existence.
A pack-rat, stuffing
incidentals into corners
for future use.

I listen to your
flamboyant giety
both mocking and
relishing the life
you call your own.
Sizzling in the excitement
of the moment.

You are . . .
a treasured gift
never allowed to bloom
until playing dress-up
was no longer a game
. . . you are
part of me.
Rarely acknowledged,
always sought.

 

Party Plans

She said “Get out there and mingle”.  What a laugh.  I mingle with the food.  The people, well now that’s a different story.  In the midst of all these smiling people, I stand.  Gazing off into nowhere I shift positions but feel the earth’s muck holding my feet fast in the grassy way of the yard.  People give welcoming smiles but I can’t respond.  I hold myself fast.  I nod, smile, and walk on.

Finally, the food comes.  This I can do only too well.  I grab a seat and listen to others talk, occasionally  offering a verbal tidbit.  I try, really I do.  But I am so very uncomfortable among people.  They seem to have so little in common with me, although I realize if I gave them a chance, there are those who would be interesting and I would have something in common with.  Finding them in the cacophony of voices is quite more than I can manage.  I have been alone too long.

So I stay the requisite hour and a half and give my goodbye to the hostess.  She worked so hard preparing house, food and yard for this.  I spent three hours the day before to help prepare.  But I have fulfilled my obligatory time and hasten to the car, driving directly home where my cat and I have quiet for the rest of the evening.

Demon Lover

You were my demon
always controlling
demanding your opinions
become mine

Rewrite my script
no longer my Mother’s
dictates, my Father
following meekly behind
making her choose,
decide, direct –
didn’t she ever tire
of all the wretched decisions
in her impossible world.

Yet here I was
meekly following
with a stirring of resistance
that refused to rise
to the surface –
just let him make decisions
then he has the blame
when they fail.

I was so culpable
gullible, tortured,
yet wielding
the whip –
demanding his choice
falling on my own sword.

The pattern continued
for so long
now broken,
but so are the dreams.
I am responsible,
but I lost so much
to gain myself.

Unknown Stranger

Watching you
from across the room
to see if your eyes
gleam into smile,
silently hoping
your thoughts might
rest on me.

Catching each flick
of the head,
each gaze as it rests
first on one
than another,
never staying
in any direction for long,
casually dismissing all
as beneath your station

Towering above others,
do your eyes ever
touch theirs –
or do head tops –
impersonal and safe –
hold your attention?

Months have been spent
discerning your patterns
yet still you remain a mystery,
beyond reckoning,
an enigma, a mystery
beyond my reckoning.
Each thought stays veiled
shuttered behind lids
never wide open.

You are a locked door to me.
A puzzle whose pieces
don’t quite fit.
Somehow never forming meaning.
A distant vision
on a sweltering summer day,
whose edges are blurred
by shimmering waves of heat.

If you knew
how I wish to unmask
that elusive mind,
exposing raw nerves
to touch and sensation
would you fleetingly run
or in my perusal
would you unfold
those tantalizing treasures
for a pirate hunt
in dangerous areas?
Allowing me
to explore your wealth?

Soul Mating with Yourself

Growing times, painful times
having to accept the inevitable
but resisted forces –
knowing action must be taken
yet balking. Wanting to remain
that shy young girl
nurtured by some handsome prince.
Always awaiting rescue
from sorrow and toil.
Understanding the moment has come
for responsibility,
to self and for self –
a decision between being
either best friend or worst enemy –
accepting the bonding
to that which lies within –
soul mating with yourself.

(written in 1982)

Winsome breezes

Gentle winds stirring my soul
awaken the peace within –
soothe these somber lines
etched deeply in this fragile flesh.
Bring comfort, an ease from
the restless torment
so keenly felt in more active times
when I failed to hesitate
and feel the sun’s warm glow
or remember the days
when winsome breezes
kissed my face and nurtured
a scared young child –
allowing her freedom
and a quiet serenity
to sustain her in harsh times.

Court Jester

The bull roars
prodded by blazing iron –
branding him, casting ownership
on his steaming rump.
Check those whites,
they keep growing
obliterating pupils . . .
damn you all!!

Who the hell
gave the masses sanction
to have jurisdiction
in my life?

Since when did this
become a dictatorship –
I failed to catch
the civil war preceding it.
When was the loser vanquished,
and by what method?

Pompous asses all of you . . .
thinking your thoughts
in my mind
are so vile then
the thoughts I claim
ownership to.

How dare you presume
to control my life . . .
and by whose authorization?
I’d like to see
some papers please!

Arrogant paupers
claiming heir to the throne,
no peasant am I
to conform to your bidding –

When will you learn
that loving kindness, tenderness
Love bring ten-fold rewards
rather than harsh methods
more conveniently used?

Go find another jester
to amuse your court.
I no longer wish
to play your game,
So . . .
who won the game after all?

Unanswered prayers

So often God,

I begged, pleaded, cried,-
for men, money, success, fame
wanting so desperately
to know my purpose here
why I had to live through pain
ongoing medical and emotional
traumas – I prayed.

Time’s passed.
Dreams of long ago
are shadow figures now
and though my days are long
and my nights are shared
not with a man I prayed for
but a cat’s purr
I live with irony and resolve.

Younger years were the prevail
of two men who tore me,
split me into pieces and spit me out
bruised, battered, alone.
There were others for a time, but
all showed the true measure
of their worth far too soon.

It’s taken this long for me
to come to terms with my
inadequacies and limitations
who I am, what this skin
and my sin
have designed for me
there was no room for
more distractions

So when crisis or change winds blow
I pray for his wishes
Oh, I let Him know how I feel,
what I think and want
but I shut up and listen
and even if I don’t hear
I par for his will to come to pass
and know I don’t know the answers
or what’s best for me
or why I have spent so
many years alone –