Pollen floats down these days of Spring, coating everything, Leaving behind streaks and yellow caking in every crack, on every surface. Unless, your home is hermetically sealed, coating your furniture. It’s like a haze in my mind. Spinning, spinning, self-perpetuating. I’m getting excited about going to our family cabin in upstate New York in a month. It is my spiritual center. I need some centering. I’m also going to the Methodist Conference in Garden City, Long Island, NY. this coming week. I’ve never been. I’m told it is overwhelming but there is something powerful in being in the midst of hundreds of people acting in the common good and worshipping the Lord. I could use some of that.
I’ve been working hard for my church, usually scratching my head and wondering what I’m doing but that is the nature of the position I am in. How do you mentor people who have the guts to get up in front of a congregation and share from their hearts?
My mother used to say “I could do that but nobody asked me”. Well, I could get up there and say a bunch of words but I’m not sure about whether they would be coming from my heart or my head. I’m a skeptic and analytic by nature. I still have too many questions which involve more research and prayer than I’m able or willing to give.
Coming to Christ is an awesome responsibility. You can’t do it lightly. It comes with thought, prayer, a willingness to accept the unknown, and the will to devote yourself to a belief system knowing you’ll never understand fully or get right. It isn’t a college course. It is reaching inside, grabbing your gut, investing your mind, pulling yourself up, and saying with all your heart, “I believe”. How many people truly can do that?
My children are avid, deeply believing Christians. It is woven into the fabric of their lives. My son-in-law’s large book collection completely involves the study of Christianity. He is going to the seminary in upcoming months. However, there isn’t a single book other than those involving Christianity in their entire home.
My collection is diverse…history, archeology, mysteries, fiction, non-fiction, women’s studies, biographies, and, of course, Christianity. And I’m not that diverse in my reading. There are no books on the Sciences, Mathematics (God forbid), Politics, World Studies. Those are covered in National Geographic and Time magazines and what I glean from the internet. I am limited in space but even if I had an entire, huge study, some of those areas would be slight. I think about however sheltered I am, how left-brained, how lazy my expansion into the world of knowledge is.
How can something that fills my life, leave me so short-sighted? Will my questions ever abate? There is so much I need to know, want to know, but, in the end, its all about acceptance. And that is where I fall short. I want to believe with all my heart. But the skeptic says But. It has to do with being comfortable in my skin. About saying Yes, not Yes But. About relaxing and acknowledging it’s okay to have questions. That not everything requires complete knowledge. Acceptance is the key. I need to find the key.
So I’ll accept the Pollen floating inside my brain with its yellow haze, and content myself with continuing to place one foot in front of the other and hope for the best resolution.