I have had a lazy mind, I admit it. It is humbling but the reality is that while I know I am a smart woman, I am woefully inadequate to face the awesome wealth of knowledge and information in this world.
I know I have issues. Math is a dismal reality of failure in my life. When I was married, my husband wanted me to get an MBA. Not that I wanted one…an MFA or a Master’s in Psychology were more suited to my interests and abilities. However, there I was, with a full force Migraine, driving through dense Fog to a college an hour and a half away to take my GMATs.
When the Math sections came, my Migraine lit with a force beyond reckoning. During Verbal sections, it abated somewhat. Bottom line, I scored a 5% in Math and a 93% in Verbal. It’s not a one-shot deal, I vividly remember my Father and I both crying as he tried to help me with Math homework, clutching “The Parent’s Guide to Modern Math”. I wasn’t going to be good at Math as they weren’t. My parents told me I wasn’t going to be good at Math as they weren’t. I believed them.
The Internet has awoken my mind to the complexities of the World and its inherent knowledge. TV hasn’t done that to such a large extent. Most of what is on it is garbage. Blogging and its huge sphere of influence have acquainted me with the world in a new and awesome way. So has research on my book. I am learning more in my 50s and 60s than I did in the subsequent years of child raising and employment not conducive to learning beyond its boundaries.
I Love Learning. Exploring the larger world, not just that which stares me in the face, it fascinating. I can feel my brain prying open, trying to digest and make sense of that which I read. And I haven’t really moved into the sphere of YouTube yet beyond research.
Perhaps when I reach the ripe old age of 80, I will know the world on a much deeper and richer level. I wonder what my purpose is in life and whether I will know when I have achieved it. Looking at all the people who have done so much more than I could ever dream, is daunting. I will never reach those levels of grandure. I didn’t start early enough and I’ve hid from so many issues over the years. For too many years I lived in the shadow world of my bubble. Depression and trauma transfiguring my world into one of smallness and darkness. I am no longer trapped in that shell. What a glorious feeling.
Now, at my age, I have little use for how others see me. I am comfortable in my skin. I might have more pain and physical issues, but my brain has reawakened to a vividness I don’t remember having before, or at least since college. Because of my not caring how others think of me, I feel free to explore the world on my own terms. I don’t feel silly knowing more than my living conditions would seem to project.
If I had the money, I would go on Missions to countries that need helping hands. I would go for an MFA. Archeological digs and traveling would become a much desired reality. I saw on Facebook a story about a woman who uses cruise ships as her retirement plan. Instead of paying out the money for an Assisted Living facility or a Nursing Home, she travels on water, having all her needs met at a senior and a frequent traveler discount. What I wouldn’t give to make that a reality! But even with that, cruise ships don’t go to the places in the world that need the most help. And they don’t do much to open the mind. That is where I am most needed.
Should I give up, knowing the money isn’t going to be coming from my account? Hell no. If it is my purpose in life, the money will come. In the meantime, there is so much left to learn. I remain open to the possibilities.