Tag Archives: emotional pain

Anorexia

In the space between two breaths
she is caught unaware, unknowing –
having spent a short lifetime
eternally busy, frenetically paced
always in motion,
never internally directed –
she is lost, adrift,
her skills and talents
not having prepared her
for rejection, for misdirected words –
she has never allowed
for this contingency,
Who is she beyond the accolades,
the activities, the endless
leadership roles –
what lies beneath?
What feelings exist
in her picket fenced heart
which let in undulating waves
of anguish
filtering out love, trust, kindness.
Like a drug she moves
in perpetual motion –
running, leading, moving, teaching
no reflection of hows or whys
attempting to fill the void with verbs,
no static, resolute exploring
of hidden secrets and mysteries
which hold the heart’s true measure.
No breaking through the resistance.
The moments have arrived
when razor sharp clarity
begs for expression,
where it chips away subterfuge
so real work can begin,
to explore the dim reaches of the soul
to enter terms with
the bald face of reality,
finally unmasked, stripped,
laid bare, but . . .
will she take
the proffered challenge
to grow, or backpedal,
rewind the inner tape
until she can splice, edit,
a produce a facsimile
of the original in its unedited form,
honoring the pain motion covered
the fear leadership masked,
the need unhinged in teaching,
all the imports of a life
skated over in terror and avoidance

Cud

Here I sit within the portals of pain
week in, week out  regurgitating for analysis
platitudes and banal musings,
merging with heightened scenes of abject misery
in ever more synchronized rhythms . . . throwing up
and out.  choking, gagging on noxious memories,
each time transposing them,
centering into manageable feelings.
Like a spotted cow grazing on green grasses,
vomiting cud, only to chew it again
and regurgitate once more . . .
On through four stomachs until, at long last,
they are voided into a smoldering wretched
heap upon the grass cow-tippers seek to avoid,
and ignore. –
the pain finding its manifest shape and scope
to be tucked into a corner gathering dust,
buried in forgetfulness, inspired by exhaustion.